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[23 Aug 2008|12:03pm] |
Tomorrow I find out if I can afford the lawyer that has been giving me advice. I have a lot to file and an uphill battle.
But, if I get everything done I have a good chance of getting custody back. Or so my lawyer thinks. It just so much to do with a broken heart and hardly any means of transportation. I'll never forgive him for his heartlessness. My daughter is stuffed in daycare and raised by a stranger, and when he gets home him and his girlfriend play house with our daughter.
It's so unfair.
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[22 Jun 2008|09:45am] |
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I'm leaning more towards interior design.
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| By Catie Anderson |
[19 Jun 2008|07:28pm] |
altered states
& late nights phonecalls
just to make sure you remember
how i loved you once
my friend has taken her baby girl
she has left her husband
in sleep the nightmares come
remembering how she loved him once
i held you once
and it haunts my heart
memories of the way we were
and then, the way we weren't
we want to forget our mistakes
erase them
but we live with memories
of love and loss
sometimes the hardest memories
the ones that prick like gorse
or rose thorns
protect us
if we remember love
sad, and bitter, and broken
we can find a new kind
a better kind
strawberries in summertime
taste warm and sweet on my wet tongue
they melt in my mouth
like new love
born out of wedlock
they make no promises
but hold this life against their breast
and in each other's eyes they see something growing, it looks like love
we kiss once
and he smiles, head back as if he might laugh
eyes big and full of wonder
the strings of his guitar sound like love, drowning my ears in it
my friend is pregnant
she is due in december
the greatest gift we may receive - new life
and as her belly grows so does her love
love was lost once
but not forgotten
it takes practice
to make this right
to find this truth
and keep it safe
our love only grows
as years go by
and wounds heal to scars that fade
and in time we love again
fresh fruit of our labor
in time we dream of sweetness
of open arms and a child's laughter
in time those gifts fill us up
so that emptiness we once felt
is forgotten
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[25 Apr 2008|05:53pm] |
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Even when miserable, I smile.
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[01 Feb 2008|11:07pm] |
Maybe you should get the fucking story straight you pathetic excuse for a grown little girl, I dont give a fuck what you think and I never have. I love your mother and grandparents but you can rott in hell for all I give a fuck. He's the one who decided to invite some fat cow down from texas to come fuck him so I left. In all of my life I never felt so alone like when I was his wife. Sorry I don't want to spend the rest of my life with your lieing, inbred, puffy faced peice of shit brother. I wasnt going to be minupulated and mistreated for the rest of my life for some silly vows that he couldnt keep.
And just because he was home for three weeks doesnt mean he has the right to take Quinn while I wait in sacramento wondering when my daughter, WHO I RAISED BY MYSELF, will come see me. I dont trust him to ever bring her back when he gets in my face, screams, throws shit and slams the door trying to scare me into submission by force. When you get seperated I'm sure you'll understand. Or maybe you wont. We cant all live with these awful decisions we make when we are 18. I have a life to get back to, I should have never trusted him to ever put my intrests at heart. My only loss were the three years I gave him.
And I don't even begin to question why his first wife left him. He's a shitty husband.
And oh my god you little fucking princess, what the fuck do you do? I ran my house and when he came home he didnt have to do anything except take out the trash and play his video games for hours before calling it a night. Even weekends all he did was drink and play and go out and spend what little money he claimed we didnt have.
And don't you come at me about that love bullshit because i don't see a man on your arm. Its not worth it to stay with a shitty guy, IS IT? But tell your mom if she needs to talk or anything she can call me, I'll be glad to keep in contact with her for the sake of Quinn.
AND MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.
I mean, I knew you were immature and filled with hot air, but this is just hilarious!
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ..Angel & Xzana..
Date: Jun 21, 2008 3:43 PM
WHAT THE FUCK IS UR PROBLEM I MEAN IF U LOVE SOMEBODY IT SHOULDNT MATTER IF U LEAVE UR FAMILY ITS A SACRIFICE ONE MORE THING DONT U DARE TAKE MY NIECE AWAY FROM MY BROTHER U DONT DO SHIT AND U DONT DESERVE EITHER MY BROTHER OR MY NIECE. MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE FOREVER BUT U KNOW WHAT ITS UR LOSE. THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY.
..
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[11 Jan 2008|02:57am] |
My anniversary is in two days.
12 weeks down, 16 or more to go.
I prefer to think of it as three months because it's a smaller number, but I'd be lying if I said it were fine. To spend Christmas, new years, our anniversary, his birthday, valentines day, easter, Quinns first laugh, her first roll over and all of her precious moments (I'm sure there are things I've left out) in a wasteland for a president that hasnt done shit for anyone but the insurance companies and anyone else willing to make his pockets fat...
and I get these bullshit wife duty e-mail from the key wives (the wives of the higher ranking marines) I know they mean well but I regret giving them my e-mail and I dont want their two fucking cents about how strong I am for what the fuck ever and things that will ease my suffering like walking a marathon in LA or making "play dates" with other moms.
Like, OMFG "LETS GO BAKE SOME FUCKING COOKIES AFTER CHURCH."
-Practically a direct quote
I've been counting the number of days I've stayed sober and I made it to 45. I'm sure thats a chip somewhere. Now I know its not worth it and I hope it doesnt happen again.
Wow, drama queen much?
Okay, I'm cracking my neck and knuckles, taking a deep breath and going up to my empty bed where I will lay for the next 30 minutes thinking about about my handsome husband and how perfect everything will be until marital bickering sets in.
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[06 Jan 2008|02:15am] |
If I could take the people I love back home and put them here
it would all be dandy.
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[30 Dec 2007|03:05am] |
despite having the worst year of my life and everything i looked forward to ended up a complete and utter disappointment and previously wishing I could go back to that exact point where I could have turned it all around, I think my horomones are back in sync with sanity and everything is so much better.
and my house is coming together nicely. despite the fact that I have nobody to show it to, it makes me happy to know that the walls are painted and pictures are up and I'm not alone in a big empty house with white walls.
I'm alone in a semi empty house with painted walls.
okay, maybe I am still a little depressed. but thats better than honestly... wishing I could have just killed myself. Luckily I would have never done that to Andres and Quinn.
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[30 Dec 2007|02:56am] |
jesus christ i need some fucking sex.
4 months left.
gun, head, shoot.
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[21 Dec 2007|12:11am] |
My daughter is the most beautiful person I've ever met and her smile is better than a weeks worth of vacation in the most beautiful paradise on this planet.
Maybe because its her dads smile, or maybe because they are my tiney tiny eyes.
If you get a christmas card you'll see.
that is all
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| I need some advice |
[25 Nov 2007|10:18pm] |
I was told that when Candace left my house she would go into a group home but it appears Candace will actually be living with mom again, despite Candace attacking her being the reason she had to leave.
So I called my mom and asked if Candace would be there for Christmas and yes, she will be. So obviously after what Candace tried to pull and that bridge being burned I decided that was pretty fucked up and I wont be making a merry trip to spend time with family because my mother has decided Candace would be joining their festivities.
so after all the talking my mom did and all of the feelings she was trying to get all psychological on my ass and what would you do in my situation?
I decided yeah, I know what I would do. I'd see my granddaughter and the daughter who didn't screw the other one over by trying to get her thrown in jail and have her daughter taken away.
Long story short it looks like there is nothing either of us can or will do and I guess my mom went from being my best friend to estranged. At least for now.
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[24 Nov 2007|07:29am] |
I've had such a stressful two months but I think I'm calm now.
Candace brought to much chaos into my life and my friends here are helping me with eveything from a fixed car to internet.
Other than that I've talked to Andres and I've realized I can't resent him for my feeling abandoned at the front lines (war pun... har har?)
he doesn't have a choice and it's much worse for him.
I stayed up all night playing rock band with heather and quinn slept through all the pounding.
what else?
I think everything will be okay. Time is flying and thats all it should do.
I wish Katt were here. I find myself asking her imaginary self for advice. I think of her as much as I think of Andres. I'm even getting teary eyed. I hate this void she left in my life that can never be filled.
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[20 Nov 2007|07:16pm] |
Just to give you an idea of how awful my month has been here is my shit list.
The car died, something about the clutch cable
Andres went back to Iraq
I'm raising quinn every moment by myself with no help.
I had to move in two days because the wildfires prevented me from coming to san diego earlier
I moved everything without any help from candace
Candace kept getting in my face
I got a new car, the volvo s60 and that too has already started to have problems, luckily I have the warranty
I lost my phone
I have been constantly busy everyday all day taking car of arrands, wishing the light at the end of the tunnel was near.
After kicking out my sister for talking shit to me while I was doing her a favor by waking up and driving her to work she calls the cops on me, hoping to get quinn taken away because I had bongs in my closet. It was the single most emberassing and scariest moment of my life. Luckily they didn't care because the realized I was doing a good job and candace called just to spite me. She's going into foster care until she turns 18.
so theres that
and now I'm not smoking pot anymore, which is a first in three years.
I pretty much want a tall building to jump off of.
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[15 Nov 2007|06:08pm] |
Every single day sucks. Bad days kill happy Mariah. Sad Mariah misses happy Mariah.
I wish I could just find something to look forward but nothing ever comes this way.
I say it all the time and each time I say I miss home it just seems more like a distant memory filled with good times and the real me.
The things I wouldn't do to turn back time to the place where I made a heap of stupid decisions too fast. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
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[18 Oct 2007|12:17am] |
I cant believe it. That time of the year is here again where he packs up and leaves. Another seven months where all I want is a kiss and to wake up to looking into his eyes and I love yous, his smell and his touch.
Seven months, the slowest months of the year.
I hate the marine corps and I hope bush gets shot in the head.
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| Today was almost the worst day of my life |
[14 Jul 2007|02:05am] |
I kept waking up to contractions, which are normal... but waking up in a puddle of clear fluid when your due date is two months away is not.
After calling my mom Andres and I rushed to the navy emergency room where I was told to travel three stories and one very long hall to wait for two hours, all while usually (very) active baby Quinn wasn't moving. At the end of my fear, uncertainty and angst was the most painful evaluation of my life. It was like a PAP smear but larger and more painful... then the doctor stuck two huge fingers in my vagin and pressed upward into me as hard as he could. Needless to say, not a good time.
Luckily everything is okay but it was scary and hurt.
Thank god for the worlds sweetest husband who washes my hair, holds my hand when a stranger pokes my cervix, carries my belly when my back hurts and even washes my swollen toes in the shower... all without me asking. Thank god for good men.
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| Much better |
[15 Jun 2007|02:19pm] |
I leave tomorrow and Candace is coming with me.
I'm going to visit people today.
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| I want to go home |
[10 Jun 2007|11:22pm] |
I'm stuck here until the 15th because Andres wanted to buy att six months of insurance at the same time.
I love being here with my mom but my little brother thinks he's spiderman and won't stop pissing me off. My step dad is being a complete asshole for no reason. I'm hungry and all they have to eat is hamburgers, string cheese and crackers. Not to mention everyone here has someone and it's giving me a taste of how inevitably lonely my life is going to be in 4 months.. when I'm going to need him the most.
Not to mention I havn't seen a single one of my friends and being anemic kills any joy I could possibly plan.
I want to be home in his arms so badly but I can't help but feel like I should start distancing myself once I arrive for it won't be long before I'm alone for 7 months with a baby that looks exacly like him.
And my sister is moving into my house. After she assaulted my mother she was kicked out so now she's my responsibility.
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| Somethings wrong |
[27 May 2007|12:03am] |
I don't paint... craft, or even pursue a single thing that I want.
I think I'm depressed but I don't feel sad.
And I'm about to be a mom, which really makes me happy (now)
but i still feel like I've turned into someone that my 17 yearold self would have punched in the face.
I think I just figured it out.
Why was I happier when I was a struggling teenager?
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| It's weird how something |
[19 May 2007|10:07pm] |
that can feel so much like a curse is actually a blessing.
The sonogram was really fun. I had 10 of my closest friends there but I wish my mom and siblings could have made it :(
She was using the placenta as a pillow, she even cuddles it like a teddy bear. And we caught her sucking her thumb.
Quinn Marie Villela. Due September 6th
I've never been so happy in my life.
She has her daddys lips and nose.
Sonogram:
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